face to face with a lot of things

When you're young in America, you never wonder IF you'll have a car when you grow up; you wonder what KIND of car you'll have. My niece just graduated from high school and got a green VW Beetle. I'm totally jealous, because that is the car I've been praying for.

I never thought my life would turn out the way it did. That's not regret talking, just me realizing a few things. Actually, my life turned out so much better than I ever thought it would, but there are still some things I definitely feel are missing.

For example, I never, ever thought I would live this long without getting married and having a family. I find myself thinking a lot these days as I'm quickly approaching my fourth decade of life that it's too late. It must not be what God has planned for me. If that is His will, that's okay. It just makes me a little sad. I always wanted six boys. Well, with Sandra's four and one on the way that could possibly be another boy, I guess I can live vicarously through them. But as much as I love them and would lay down my life for them, it's still not the same.

And growing up I never dreamed that I would actually live in a foreign country. And not have a steady income. And not have a car. And feel illiterate most of the time (I used to think I was smart!). And live in a city so frequently threatened by suicide bombers and a country hated by most of the world.

Growing up in the South, I was well acquainted with predjudice against people, especially African Americans (which is not the term we used growing up). But I really never knew how deep the hatred could run until I came to Israel. It goes beyond any logic or reason I can muster in my brain. It just doesn't make sense to me to hate someone just because of their ethnic background. At least that's what I thought until a couple of days ago.

I'm a hypoctrite. I got on the Number 14 bus to go to work out the other day and came face to face with an Arab woman. She was a beautiful, young, smiling woman. And the first thing I did was to look her up and down to try and determine whether or not she could be sporting a bomb. She was pretty slim—no bulging explosives anywhere, so I just made my way past her and towards the back of the bus. My mind just kept reeling with the news stories I had just been reading about young Arab women deciding to join in the fight against Jews and Christians by forming suicide brigades. I kept praying and watching her and trying to figure out what an Arab woman would be doing on that particular bus, going from one Jewish area to another. I had just about made my mind up to get off at the next stop when she got off instead.

So there it is. I was hit hard by my own predjudice, my own media influenced thought patterns. Not every Arab is a murderer. Not every Arab wants to kill all the Jews and Christians. It's just the ones who do want it that make the news. It's so hard. I feel so called to the Jewish people in particular and have tried to educate myself on their history and their culture, and unfortunately with that, I have developed a horrible predjudice against Arabs. I tell myself that I bless those who are called to love the Arab people; and then justify myself by saying that I'm not called to them and want nothing to do with them.

God needs to do some work in my heart. I have no idea how to judge rightly in this situation. I need to have a heart of compassion for these people and I just don't have that right now. I know that they are going through very tough times, and I would truly hate to be in their shoes. I just don't know that I can be neutral. I've always had such a competitive spirit; I don't know that it's in me to not choose sides. Even as I say that, I'm realizing that it's okay to choose sides; I just need to see that the true battle is a spiritual one, and it's easy to take the right side in that. I just have to keep reminding myself that the battle belongs to the Lord. His is the victory, no matter what the battle may look like here on earth, He will reign victorious.

As for the other ponderings about my life and how it's turning out, well, that battle belongs to the Lord as well. I confess I have been feeling a bit defeated lately. But you know that David often felt that way as well, crying out to God and asking why the wicked prosper. But it's all in the perspective — like the parable of Lazarus, the rich guy who died and went to hell. He received his reward in full while he was on the earth; but he suffered through eternity after that. Life on earth is just a vapor, just a breath and then we go on. And after that, we go on and on and on—so far that our finite little minds can't even begin to comprehend it. I have to say that although the battle is stong sometimes, I'd much rather receive my reward in heaven than to have it briefly here and then burn for eternity. I just need to keep setting my mind on the things above.

I have so much to be thankful for. I don't know how I dare to complain at all. Forgive me, Lord. Look beyond my imperfection to what You have meant for me all along—that one day I will see You face to face and then I will be as You have intended since before I was formed in my mother's womb. Until then, I'll just keep going, sometimes stumbling and sometimes sprinting, but hopefully always moving on towards You.