the other side of lonely

Recently I have had two younger people say to me that their worst fear is loneliness. I was a little surprised by both for some reason, and I've since been doing a lot of thinking about the subject. Maybe subconsciously they see an almost 40 year old who's never been married, living alone in a strange country and they figure I should know a thing or two about loneliness. Maybe I do.

I think that the FEAR of loneliness is way worse than actually being alone. Fear can be so paralyzing, and fear of loneliness in particular can actually feed the very thing you're trying to avoid. It's self-destructive and can keep you so bound up that you don't make the effort to cultivate good relationships.

The second thing I know about loneliness is that God will use it help you grow if you let Him. Most of the time, we tend to turn to people to meet our needs, that's just human nature. People are tangible; it's easier to hear the physical voice of a person than it is to hear the voice of God. It's easier to receive physical comfort than to try to even grasp the meaning of receiving comfort from God. But here's the thing: God created us for fellowship—with Him and with one another, but it's a balancing act. How do we keep from looking to people to fulfill those things in us that only God can?

One way that God has done this in my life is to lead me through seasons of loneliness. The first major season that I remember was right after I first moved to Arkansas and my Mom died. I was 25 and I didn't have a clue about grief until that point in my life. What followed was a year of anger that I couldn't explain away. During that time, I managed to alienate almost everyone in my life with the exception of a few incredibly godly people who looked past the anger and saw the pain. Those people prayed me through it all, even though I had no idea until much later that they were looking out for me. It got so bad that I actually remember saying to my supervisor that I was going to have to leave. I had messed up so badly that there was no way it could ever be fixed. I didn't realize that my Faithful God would rise up and redeem everything I had almost destroyed. And as a result of that extreme loneliness and God's work, I began to see how important people were. I started asking God every morning to help me make life better for the people around me; and He did it. New and good relationships started opening up right and left. The next six years were an incredible time in building relationships and experiencing what real fellowship was all about.

I was comfortable there; life was good; work was not stressful. But I needed to go deeper with God and so He led me to Fort Worth. My first six months there were so lonely that I thought I would shrivel up and die. I used to go to the mall just to be around people, which didn't help my budget at all. I knew it was up to me, though. New friendships wouldn't just walk up to my door; I had to go out and find them. I found, or actually God led me to one of the greatest churches ever and the relationships that I formed there were probably the healthiest, strongest I had ever had in my life. There my relationship with God grew so much through those godly friends and incredible spiritual leadership. And then after four years, it was time again for another season of loneliness.

That's when God led me back to Arkansas. I know beyond doubting that He did. There were so many confirmations that it was right and everyone in my life new it. Once I got back to Arkansas, God began stripping away my closest friends. One by one they began to move away—not just out of town; they moved out of state! And just as the last one was leaving, Daddy passed away. I've had much occasion to think about God's timing in that. He could have easily kept me in Texas surrounded by so many people who loved me and would just drop anything to be by my side. But He didn't do that. I can see why—during that time when I felt so stripped and naked and alone, I surrendered everything to Him. I told Him I was willing. No more excuses; it was all for Him or nothing at all. I sold most everything I had, left a really good and promising job and got on a plane for Israel.

Now I've been here for almost six months and it has been another season of loneliness; I have approximately 6 adults and 4 children in my circle of friends; oh, and one kitty cat. But here's the strange part: I don't feel lonely. Not like I should anyway. I think now I look at alone times as time set apart for me and God. I do look to Him more and more. Sure, I really want more fellowship here; but I know that God will bring that when I am ready to handle it. For now, it's me and Him. And I like it.

There are so many things in life that are worse than being alone, and I'm glad that those two brought up the subject. It was good to stop and think, and to realize again just how blessed I am. One day a few weeks ago Sandra called and the first thing she said was, "How can you stand it here, being alone?" I just laughed. I realized that it was a moment of crisis for her, not me. My crisis moments are about other issues. But for now I'm fine. I'm on the other side of lonely.

life is daily

Life seems to just go on daily here; so far the election of Hamas to the Palestinian Authority has not affected my life at all. I feel like I'm settling in and even going to the souk on Friday is not a big deal anymore. There are still a few cultural issues, though. For example, I ate bacon yesterday. I felt strangely guilty and kept looking for the kosher police to come and arrest me. I took Andrew to lunch at this teeny-tiny hamburger place called "Meat Burger". Andrew is 13 and could probably eat his weight in meat if his mom and dad would let him. Being such a carnavore myself, I am very sympathetic to his plight and being able to treat him to a giant bacon cheesburger, fries and a coke was really fun. I had a grilled chicken sandwich with bacon and cheese and it felt like it was the best thing I had ever eaten! I can't figure out why God commanded the Israelites to not eat pork and then went and made it taste soooo good!

Israeli electronics. I finally broke down and bought a dvd player. It has issues. At first I couldn't get anything to play, so I stopped in an electronics shop to discuss my predicament. I came home and did some fiddling with it and finally got it to work. Now it has language issues. Newer dvds that have multiple languages on them must confuse the poor thing a bit. I tried setting the language to English, and then I get no sound at all. I tried "The Three Musketeers" but could only get the sound in French. Then I tried "Never Been Kissed" and it would only play in Espanol. So then I went for an older movie -- "Groundhog Day" and it worked fine.

And even though I have tile floors everywhere, I really want to buy a vacuum cleaner. The dust bunnies here are like this mutant breed of giant fuzzballs. Mine are all red for some reason. It must either be the towells in my bathroom or my favorite warm fuzzy throw.... Anyway, I'd like a vacuum because everytime I start sweeping them up, Tovi decides that they are somehow a new toy for him, until I get mad and throw him out the window (at least I'm on the ground floor!). The main problem is that I have this fear of buying anything electronic here. I tell myself that surely nothing could go wrong with a vacuum, and then part of me pictures it bursting into flames or even worse, sucking up my couch. Then of course there's the issue of carrying the thing home once I actually bite the bullet. That's probably the reason I haven't bought a microwave either. Well, that and the fact that my kitchen is about the size of a closet, and we ain't talking walk-in, either!

I guess life is really settling down for me here. That's a good thing. I can't believe I leave for the states in less than two weeks! I'm excited. I can't wait to see the people I love and to get to drive again; to go to Barnes & Noble and stock up on books in English; to go shopping and to eat a big ol' steak and some Cheetos (but probably not at the same time)!!!! Wooohooo! The only bummer about it is that they have changed the baggage weight limit from 70 lbs to 50 lbs. Maybe I shouldn't plan on buying tooo many books!

transitions

I was starting to give up. Time and time again I caught myself going over the possibilities of where I might find a job back home, how I would buy new furniture and possibly a new Volkswagen Beetle.... I just kept thinking that I came to Israel for more than just sitting in my apartment doing freelance design work all the time. I could do that back home and not have to deal with all the cultural issues of daily life here.

Even though this has been in the back of my mind, I still went ahead and purchased my return ticket for March 26. I guess I just couldn't let go of what I thought God had instructed me to do. So with that in mind, I started trying to extend my tourist visa until March 6 when I'm scheduled to return to the States. I tried to do a visa run by land, basically just crossing the border into Egypt in order to get an extra month. I'll never do that again. The border control officers treated me like a criminal, and only gave me one extra week. So then I tried to get an appointment with the Ministry of the Interior. They're booked solid until April. Add a horrible sinus infection to the visa situation and I was really ready to call it quits this past Sunday. I was feeling like such a failure.

But then Monday came and I decided to call Bridges for Peace, a Christian organization that promotes unity between Jews and Christians in very practical, servant-hearted ways. They need a graphic designer here in Jerusalem. I'm a graphic designer. I'm here in Jerusalem. Their mission statement describes my heart's desire. Their office is two blocks from Sandra and John Mark's. I went for an appointment on Tuesday and I left feeling so hopeful and encouraged. This may truly be the place for me. The application process takes a while, so my timing is really perfect as I'll be going home and could start as soon as I get back.

I came to Israel in faith that God would sovereignly lead me to the thing that He has called me here for. God told Abraham to go, and Abraham went, not knowing where God would lead. I never thought I could do that, but looking back, I guess that's exactly what I did. I really hope that it works out with BFP, but even if it doesn't, I still want to follow wherever God leads. This open door has shown me that He would never lead me on a wild goose chase or abandon me as long as I'm trying to follow Him. It's worth every minute.

did you see your shadow this morning?

Every year since I can remember, that was the standard birthday greeting from Daddy, since I had the priviledge of being born on one of the best holidays ever—Groundhog's Day. But this year my greeting didn't come. And it was really hard. The whole day was hard. I'm getting old. Everybody does. I just wish we didn't have to commemorate the fact. And at the same time, it would be a real bummer if no one wanted to celebrate the day I was born.

So last night we were having dinner at Sandra's and Hanna remarked that she thought she saw lightning. But people were doubtful becuase it just doesn't really storm here. Maybe it was the neighbor turning on a flourescent light or the TV or something. I commented that I really miss storms. It's true—I love the roar of thunder reminding me that God is huge and in control and I love it when He decides to amaze me with a laser show in the sky. Oh well. The upside of no storms is that I don't worry about my umbrella being a lightning rod when I'm out and about.

After a wonderful dinner and strawberry shortcake with fresh whipped cream, it was time to walk home. About five minutes after walking in my door the storm hit big time—we're talking thunder, lightning and even hail! And it has stormed most of the day today as well. Could it be anything other that God just saying He loves me and reminding me I'm not alone? He knew how much I needed it; how much I was missing Daddy. Maybe He was working with Mama and Daddy—maybe they were having a blast tossing around handfuls of hail, throwing lightning bolts in the air and jumping up and down to rattle Jerusalem and remind me that they were really glad that I was born! Thanks for the party, y'all!

(And even though Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, I didn't see mine. Maybe my winter is just about over....)