From Grief to Thankfulness

I finally took down my Christmas decorations last night. If decorating for the holiday is my ultimate favorite thing to do, then I guess it follows that de-decorating is my most un-favorite thing. That makes sense. It's a big job and my Cat is often more of a hinderance than a help. Oh well, at least he's cute.

January seems full of blah this year. Maybe it does every year and I just don't remember it. But it's especially sad to me since my dearest friends keep moving away. Last July, Jodie moved to Philadelphia. In November it was Jen & Aaron moving to Tennessee. Last Saturday it was Julie moving to Kansas City. And in one week, it's the fatal bomb: Sandra & John Mark and the boys--all four of which have a firm grasp on my heart--will set out for California for four months before eventually moving back to Jerusalem. I need to scream or cry or hit something. Or maybe go on anti-depressants for a while.

I was there when Sandra gave birth to her fourth son, Daniel, and it was probably the most amazing thing I've ever been through. Maybe I'm feeling part of what a mother must feel when her baby parts the nest. I just can't stand the thought of not seeing him grow up. I know that Sandra & JM are being faithful to God's call on their lives, but that somehow doesn't ease the pain of their going. I need to just treasure the time I've had with them - the late night, flashlight romps through the woods to their back door; getting attacked by Levi and Jeremiah; and countless hours of hearing about the newest Lord of the Rings things from Andrew. Knowing I'm totally loved and accepted by these two wonderful human beings and their sons helps me get through the day sometimes.

So that's it - I probably just need to grieve and let go. Especially since my own dearest hope is to be living in Jerusalem before too long and then we would be together again. I just have a hard time believing that it will happen. My mind sees all the obstacles - like my dad, paying off debt, raising support to live there, etc. But my heart remembers weeping on the Temple Mount because the Presence of God was so incredibly strong there. So how do I get my heart to converse with my head -- which will win? There's a verse that reads, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." (Psalm 84:10) I never really understood it before standing there on God's Holy Mountain, and that morning I could have died a happy woman. Or I could have just lain down on the stones and stayed there forever. I've lived thousands of days "elsewhere" and the verse is right: better is ONE day in His courts than all the others combined.

So maybe it will be "This year in Jerusalem!" (Ok -- so I'm not Jewish, but I do love the Jewish people and believe that they are still the apple of God's eye.) Or maybe I'll just keep trudging along -- working my 8:30 to 5:00 job, trying to pay off my debt. That sounds like, well, trudgery. Don't get me wrong--I have a wonderful job with wonderful people around me, but sometimes I just get tired of designing pretty little gifts and things. I keep thinking, "How is this making the world a better place?" I don't have an answer to that yet, but I think I am where I am supposed to be for now. I have to remember what I felt that God was saying to me when I came back to Arkansas: It's not about the job; the job is a means to an end. But He hasn't told me what the end is yet and I do trust Him enough to know that the end He has in mind for me is a good thing.

So, m'lis-- count your blessings, if you can count that high! And bless all your friends in their new lives. Cry when you miss them and smile when you remember them. And call often!!!

So Jodie -- You've gone home to Philli and there's a big chance that the Eagles will be in the Superbowl this year! What a "welcome home" the Lord has given you. May you be blessed beyond belief in 2005.

Jen & Aaron and little Ems -- I know being near family is important to you and God has blessed you with that gift. I pray you find peace and rest and a lot of joy in the coming of your new little one. Say hello to my mountains for me.

And my dearest Juice -- you who have found favor! I pray that your new life with John is more than you could have ever hoped or dreamed of - you deserve the best. I pray you will make friends quickly and that every time John looks into your eyes, he will fall deeper and deeper in love with you. Oh, and we need a baby this year, so get busy!!

Sandra, JM, Andrew, Levi, Miah, Daniel --- you will never be far from my heart. Keep on worshipping and ushering in the return of the King! I pray that God fills your hearts with new song after new song and that He meets your every need beyond what you could ever hope or imagine. Baruch ha Shem!

Counting my blessings.... yes. I remember now - a thankful heart prepares the way for God. Thank you, God for all these, and thank you for all who are still here.... Saul, Scot, Barbara and the girls, Don & Leola, Rick & Connie and kids, Nicolle, Mark & Diane, Ellen, Kyle, Rebekah, Todd, Michelle, Charity, Emily, Marsha, Dave & Vicki, Stephen & Holly... and the liist goes on. Thank you, God.

Resolutions, schmesolutions--I need redemption

January 1st came and went this year and I didn't even notice. I was a little too busy being a slave for my friend who was getting married. Hmm. "Always a bridesmaid..." doesn't even apply to me; it's more like, "Always a personal attendant..." I guess if I were a glass-half-full type of girl, I'd think, "wow--all these people really need me to be there for them on their important day." But since I'm more of a who-drank-half-my-coke?? kinda girl, I usually feel used and abused afterwards. Whine, whine, whine. Enough of that. My friend is one of the few women I know that truly, truly deserves to be truly, madly, deeply happy with a real man who loves everything about her. Way to go Julie!! I love you to pieces!

So, with everything to do with the wedding, it's already the sixth and not only did I not make any resolutions, I'm sure that if I had, I would have already fallen off the wagon, optimist that I am. But now that big events and holidays are no longer consuming my time I guess I should try to come up with some things to resolve. Hmmm.
• Lose weight? Well that's been on my list since 1978, I think.
• Start my own PBS show? I'll try to work on that one.
• Keep my house clean? Might happen if I clean it then lock myself out.
• Get all my finances in order? Okay, I'm honestly going to work on that one.

I think the one thing I really need to work on is being more positive and encouraging. I'm sure that would be more helpful to me and everyone else concerned. I just have to try to cut out some of the cynicism. U2's new album has a song called "Yaweh" that I love. It's all about redemption--asking God to change everything because I know I can't do it by myself. My favorite line is, "take these lips, so quick to criticize, take these lips, give them a kiss." Only God can kiss away all the mean and evil things that I let come out of my mouth. I need to read Job 38 again... the part where Job has been complaining and God answers him: Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand."

And it goes on. Job's answer: "I am unworthy-how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer-twice, but I will say no more." Job 40:4-5. There's wisdom for you—humility before God. If I could only begin to look for the good in people and see their potential, instead of being quick to criticize, maybe my lips would be a little more attractive.

Well that's it. Resolution #1 for 2005: Let God change my heart and wash my mouth out with soap.