the other side of lonely

Recently I have had two younger people say to me that their worst fear is loneliness. I was a little surprised by both for some reason, and I've since been doing a lot of thinking about the subject. Maybe subconsciously they see an almost 40 year old who's never been married, living alone in a strange country and they figure I should know a thing or two about loneliness. Maybe I do.

I think that the FEAR of loneliness is way worse than actually being alone. Fear can be so paralyzing, and fear of loneliness in particular can actually feed the very thing you're trying to avoid. It's self-destructive and can keep you so bound up that you don't make the effort to cultivate good relationships.

The second thing I know about loneliness is that God will use it help you grow if you let Him. Most of the time, we tend to turn to people to meet our needs, that's just human nature. People are tangible; it's easier to hear the physical voice of a person than it is to hear the voice of God. It's easier to receive physical comfort than to try to even grasp the meaning of receiving comfort from God. But here's the thing: God created us for fellowship—with Him and with one another, but it's a balancing act. How do we keep from looking to people to fulfill those things in us that only God can?

One way that God has done this in my life is to lead me through seasons of loneliness. The first major season that I remember was right after I first moved to Arkansas and my Mom died. I was 25 and I didn't have a clue about grief until that point in my life. What followed was a year of anger that I couldn't explain away. During that time, I managed to alienate almost everyone in my life with the exception of a few incredibly godly people who looked past the anger and saw the pain. Those people prayed me through it all, even though I had no idea until much later that they were looking out for me. It got so bad that I actually remember saying to my supervisor that I was going to have to leave. I had messed up so badly that there was no way it could ever be fixed. I didn't realize that my Faithful God would rise up and redeem everything I had almost destroyed. And as a result of that extreme loneliness and God's work, I began to see how important people were. I started asking God every morning to help me make life better for the people around me; and He did it. New and good relationships started opening up right and left. The next six years were an incredible time in building relationships and experiencing what real fellowship was all about.

I was comfortable there; life was good; work was not stressful. But I needed to go deeper with God and so He led me to Fort Worth. My first six months there were so lonely that I thought I would shrivel up and die. I used to go to the mall just to be around people, which didn't help my budget at all. I knew it was up to me, though. New friendships wouldn't just walk up to my door; I had to go out and find them. I found, or actually God led me to one of the greatest churches ever and the relationships that I formed there were probably the healthiest, strongest I had ever had in my life. There my relationship with God grew so much through those godly friends and incredible spiritual leadership. And then after four years, it was time again for another season of loneliness.

That's when God led me back to Arkansas. I know beyond doubting that He did. There were so many confirmations that it was right and everyone in my life new it. Once I got back to Arkansas, God began stripping away my closest friends. One by one they began to move away—not just out of town; they moved out of state! And just as the last one was leaving, Daddy passed away. I've had much occasion to think about God's timing in that. He could have easily kept me in Texas surrounded by so many people who loved me and would just drop anything to be by my side. But He didn't do that. I can see why—during that time when I felt so stripped and naked and alone, I surrendered everything to Him. I told Him I was willing. No more excuses; it was all for Him or nothing at all. I sold most everything I had, left a really good and promising job and got on a plane for Israel.

Now I've been here for almost six months and it has been another season of loneliness; I have approximately 6 adults and 4 children in my circle of friends; oh, and one kitty cat. But here's the strange part: I don't feel lonely. Not like I should anyway. I think now I look at alone times as time set apart for me and God. I do look to Him more and more. Sure, I really want more fellowship here; but I know that God will bring that when I am ready to handle it. For now, it's me and Him. And I like it.

There are so many things in life that are worse than being alone, and I'm glad that those two brought up the subject. It was good to stop and think, and to realize again just how blessed I am. One day a few weeks ago Sandra called and the first thing she said was, "How can you stand it here, being alone?" I just laughed. I realized that it was a moment of crisis for her, not me. My crisis moments are about other issues. But for now I'm fine. I'm on the other side of lonely.